Hmmm

I've got so much to say but can't.... darn this job and it's confidentially!! I almost think that processing might be worth the $50,000 fine and a year in prison.

My New Week's Resolutions

1. Actually go to bed when I know that I should, despite tempting TV/facebook

2. Not to eat lunch at my desk doing work

3. Workout at least 4 times

4. Be more aware of the impact I have on those around me

Maybe if I put it in writing for the world to see, I'll stick to it this week! We'll see.

In a funk

How much easier would life be if we were born with an instruction manual? If God already knows the plans that He has for me and He knows how it all turns out... why can't He make it more clear to me? I know all the "listen closer" "ask and you will receive" stuff, but today I'm just wanting answers! I'd like to hear a knock at my door, and open it to see God waiting to tell me what the next step should be in my life. I feel like I'm never sure exactly and so I carefully wade into it all unsure of how much to invest. Why can't it all be more clear? The answer always seems to be "step out in faith" but how do I know that I'm where God wants me to step. I would be so much more willing to jump into things with both feet if only I knew it was the right pool.

God is clearly with me in the difficult times. He has proved that many times. It's in the blah days that my frustration keeps me from calling out for help. Then I just sit around, like now, in a grumpy funk... fighting against the only thing that will make it better. May this whining blog posting keep me motivated to not let anything, even myself, get in the way of what God has planned.

wow

It's been a really long time since I last blogged! It's too late for me to say anything anything insightful or humorous, but I just wanted to say that I'm still alive!

Work Insights

I had a surprising moment of insight at work tonight (and I'm supposed to be creating the insight!). I was working on a puzzle with a client and we were talking about various things. I commented on how she stays to calm when working on a puzzle and I tend to get more frustrated. I was hoping that she would be able to extrapolate from this situation to other areas of her life. Her answer, while straight forward and true, caught me a bit off guard as really true for my own life:

"I guess I just think that if I don't figure out where the piece goes now, I will eventually"

Eventually is such a hard concept to accept sometimes.

Processing

You brought me out of the darkness and into the light
But I closed my eyes once again

I close my eyes to light to feel something familiar
I close my eyes to the light to feel I'm in control
I close my eyes to the light but I can't determine
Why I can't let freedom take hold...

Car Musings: part I

I complain a lot.

Partly because complaining is the way I vent frustrations: if I say it outwardly then it doesn't all stay inside to fester. But I think I complain partly because I'm an ungrateful being at times. If I was being severely persecuted for my beliefs, or if I was stricken with poverty, or if I was homeless maybe then I would appreciate what I did have. Why does it take that much to be thankful? I'm blessed to have a relationship with the creator of the entire universe. I have a chance to be loved, forgiven, and saved... yet I still find plenty of time to complain when my job is a little stressful or someone doesn't return an e-mail. Who does that?!? Salvation is such an amazing gift it shouldn't matter what my circumstances are... that should be enough... that should be more than enough. But it doesn't always feel like it... I don't let it. I sit around and grumble about my poor little life. It's like getting the perfect gift for Christmas and critiquing the wrapping paper or how the ornaments are arranged on the tree. In my good moments I remember that my thankfulness for my relationship with Christ should infect every single moment of my day... I just wish those good moments were as common as all the others.

I'm not sure the purpose of this musing. I guess it's just an outward reminder to myself about how thankful I know I should be for having such an amazing life. And also a reminder that I need to be even more thankful when my life doesn't seem so amazing... or it could just be the fact that I drove 3.5 hours today and my mind wanders a lot.

Narcissism

I was thinking the other day about blogs and social networking sites. They make our lives so transparent to everyone... but what makes us think other people care about every detail of what we think or say? Am I that full of myself that I think everyone cares when "... is tired after a long day." It's like we're breeding people for narcissism. At least I got to experience a chunk of my life without these things. Kids growing up right now think nothing of sharing person details to anyone who will listen. Will this stop my narcissism as I subject those around me to mindless details? Probably not, but it makes you think huh?

Timing

Timing... it's a strange thing. By definition timing is "the selecting of the best time or speed for doing something in order to achieve the desired or maximum result." As a Christian, I believe that God has a timing for my life. But, like in many ways, I doubt Him constantly. It feels like the right time for something and nothing happens. Then something great comes along and the timing feels completely wrong. Blah. I suppose the problem is probably that I'm trying to squeeze God's perfect timing into my own. I want to believe that what I'm forcing is His will and will be blessed by Him. But by not trusting Him regarding the timing of things, I know that it's not going to be His timing.

I've never been a patient person. When I was born, the nurse went into the hall to call the doctor to let him know my mom was ready to deliver and she came back in time to "catch me" as the story goes. I don't want to wait for things. I logically understand that God has a plan for my life and he has a timing. I just don't always like it. If I could choose a magical or super power my second choice would be to make things happen when I want them (after the ability to fly of course... because come on... that would be awesome). How do I pray for the patience to trust God's timing? Isn't my stated problem the lack of desire to wait for something to happen? The act of trying to trust His timing, requires that I trust His timing. He's a tricky, tricky God isn't he?

I guess that now I'm just rambling to let some of my many thoughts out of my head before I go back to work and fill it up again. It's hard to be introspective and ruminative and aware. It makes me feel sleepy. Well... if you've had the patience to finish this ramblily-ramble, thanks... I appreciate someone listening to me for a change.

Really?!?

I just heard about a website that you can sign up for that will send e-mails to your friends and family after you've been raptured. The website (You've been left behind) will automatically send e-mails to predetermined friends and family members after the web staff is unable to log on for 6 days (presumably because they have been raptured). I hope they have adequate coverage.... one delayed vacation or downed server and world wide panic would spread.

Sigh

I missed my dad this morning. It's not a usual thing for me just to miss him with no trigger or reason. I've got a phone list on my bulletin board above my desk from 12/2002 that I can't bring myself to take down. Even though a ton of the phone numbers are out of date... it's got my dad's cell phone number and the numbers of his friends and his doctors and the title of the list is "Hank and Jerrie Harper." I guess I'm just missing him today. It would be nice to have him see what my life is now... I enjoy it so much, I know he'd love it too (at the same time making some inappropriate joke or making fun of me no doubt!). Maybe I should take the phone list down and put it in a place I don't look at everyday... oh well. I love you dad!

I love hiking

Just in case it wasn't already clear!!

Australia

Step one in planning my trip to Australia....
...start tracking the weather....
...CHECK....
...this week the weather in Sydney will be in the mid-60's will scattered showers.

Step two in planning my trip to Australia...
...find out how to pay for it...

hmmmmmm

My frustration

Let me start by saying that I really do love going to therapy. I think it's not only a necessity for doing my job, but it's a necessity as a person. I love learning more about myself and growing as a person. However, some days I feel like too much self-reflection isn't a good thing. It's almost like I'm continually picking at a scab. I think too much, try to understand too much. Maybe a correct portion of self-denial is good for a person. I need to not be constantly aware of my short failings and the way that I'm reacting to everyone else's crap. Sometimes I just wish that I could shut it off... I'm not really sure what "it" is, but sometimes I just want it to stop. I look at other people and the way they coast through life and it looks so nice, so appealing.

I love that I'm self-reflecting on my self-reflection!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Fun Fact

Today I realized that the noise my car makes when the keys are in the ignition but the door is open is the same tempo as the theme song from Fraggle Rock. Now I can't help but sing along when I hear it... "Cast your cares away... worries for another day... let the music play... down at Fraggle Rock!!"

Thought for the week

All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

I've decided this will be my song for the week. I was listening to it as a drove to work this morning and it helped me put some perspective on some stuff. I want to be able to live the words of this song. I want to be able to surrender it all to God: my fears, my insecurities, my doubts, my frustration, my hopes, and my expectations. Good or bad, I don't want to hold on to stuff and act like I can handle it. God has proved to me countless times that I can't handle it... why do I keep trying?!?

Bittersweet

I was really excited to get to hang out with one of my best friends (and former roommate) and her husband this weekend. We only got about 12 hours together but we sure made the best of it. I knew that I missed them a lot, but having them here made that fact that they're gone seem more real. It isn't that God hasn't brought some awesome people into my life... but I really, really miss Josh and Gabi.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
'Pooh!' he whispered.
'Yes, Piglet?'
'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.
'I just wanted to be sure of you.'"

I guess that's just a basic human need... just to be sure that someone is there.

:-(

Stupid facebook... so much for going to bed early tonight. I gave in way too easy... I feel cheap.

I like my life

I have nothing to say... I am just getting freaked out that the hairless rat is the first thing I see when I go to my blog. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have some wonderful revelation that will help put the rat even lower. Why, oh why, did I put that picture on my blog?

The hairless rat

I found out today that my love of animals has a clear limit... it's somewhere near miniature horses, crows, and this...

Sunshine

I've always loved the sun (I'm a little less of a fan when it's 102 degrees outside, but overall...). The best is the morning sun. My bedroom window faces the east and I get to wake up to the sun pouring in through my curtains. It just seems so full of possibilities. Anything can happen when it's morning. The day is not ruined yet by all the things that seem to fill up and wreck a good day.

We'll see how I feel in 11 hours when I actually get to return to my home. By then the beauty of the morning sun will probably have been beaten out of me by stress, frustration, and sad stories. For me, maybe the morning sun is a reminder from God that the day is new and fresh and full of Him. Maybe keeping that feeling of morning sun will make the stress, frustration, and sad stories seem a little less dark and a little more open to possibility.

Or maybe I'll get home all grumpy. You never know. At least I have So You Think You Can Dance to cheer me up tonight... don't judge me... it's a really good show... seriously...

So far, so good

Being 26 -- Day 2:

I know it's only been 2 days, but so far... 26 is pretty darn good. I've got a good job, lots of awesome friends, a nice place to live, and a God who loves me way more than I deserve. I don't think a relationship about God is about getting. God isn't a genie granting my wishes when I do what he wants. But it's such a great feeling to try to be obedient, and faithful, and do what he asks me to do (try being the operative word) and to have that affirmed in some context. We shouldn't follow God for what he can give to us, but maybe when we live without expectation of receiving... that's when we are open to receive the most.

Is it just me or am I actually wiser than I was on the 22nd?

A thoughtlette

So yesterday I had nothing to say... to make up for it how about this strange thought:

Have you ever been terrified to lose something you didn't have to begin with?

I hate episodes of TV that make me think!! I watch TV so I don't have to think.

Hmm

I'm feeling very introspective, but I have nothing to say... interesting combination.

Fish Canyon Falls

I hiked to Fish Canyon Falls this morning. It was just as great the second time (but a bit more crowded). It's great to be out of my everyday life and really experience the world. The sound of water rushing and animals moving around, the smell of dirt and leaves and streams (and unfortunately other people's odors), and the different and unusual sights. The heat wasn't even too bad. If you feel like you missed out... YOU DID! But there's always another weekend.

My birthday is coming... my birthday is coming!!

The Silence

I went and listened on Saturday. I went to Bonelli Park, walked around the water, sat at the shore, and just listened. I have been trying to make a decision, and as always this has forced me to not avoid this simple task of listening. I wouldn't say I'm uncomfortable with silence. I partake in silence most days in my job... encouraging others to partake in it as well. However, I more often find myself listening to the radio, reading a book, or watching TV. None of these are bad on their own, but I think I use them to avoid the silence and the fact that I need to listen more than I actually do. By not being near the silence, it's kinda like forcing God to yell so that I'll hear him. I laugh as I imagine God's voice going horse from yelling at me sometimes... all the while I beg for him to give me the answer I'm looking for. Silly little person I am.

I sat and watched the wake from the boats hit the shore, and thought how nice it was just to sit somewhere for a little bit and not "do" anything. In his book To Have or To Be Erich Fromm writes, "Activity, by and large, is socially recognized purposeful behavior that results in corresponding socially useful changes." Society gives me the impression that by listening and seeking after God, I am not actively "doing." I bet I'd be much more of the woman God wants me to be if I simply let myself "be" much more often.

Coincidentally (or not so much) the sermon at church today was along the same lines of listening and being with God. Someday I'll get it I suppose. Until then I'll just think back to sitting and watching the water splash on the shore.

Interested?

Anyone interested in a hike this Saturday? I've got a couple different trails I'm interested in (some are basic and some are medium). Let me know, I'd love the company.

BLAH

So after all the energy to change the way we correct misprints at work (see Bureau“crazy”), now the county has decided to go back to the old way of doing it. Probably because the new way took so much time, no actual work was getting done. Sometimes I just really, really love my job.

Oh, and by the way...it's the last week of April so all my paperwork is due, causing me have twice as much to do this week as usual. If I'm a bit... let's say "irritable" this weekend, now you know why. Long live the full time job.

Wasting Time

I hate putting out energy for something that is going to be wasted time. I look at the costs and benefits of expending energy (emotionally, physically, or financially), and then I make a decision regarding the worth of that choice.

I imagine it might be what creatures in nature think about... picture a squirrel: he's walking along a tree and he sees an acorn at the end of a branch. It's a thin branch and it would take a while to slowly go out to get it. He'd have to watch his balance, the direction of the wind, and be careful for nearby birds. By all accounts, he's doing the right thing by making a careful decision. The impulsive squirrel would run out to get the delicious acorn and fall right out of the tree. However, how long will the squirrel sit there weighing the risks until he makes his decision? He's trying to save time by making safe decisions but in the end is he really wasting time hiding behind fear?

I don't want to waste time afraid of wasting time. I don't want to spend all my time on one side of the branch staring at the acorn. I don't want to look back on my life and take pride in my lack of wounds and scars but only because I spent it weighing the risks and not actually taking any. I don't want to be afraid of falling out of the tree.

I just watched Lars and the Real Girl. It was recommended to me by a psychiatrist friend who said that it spoke well to the idea of meeting people where they are. It seems like we demand others to meet our needs, expectations, and beliefs. But how often do we meet people at the place where they are and just sit with them until they're ready. Do people really know when they are ready to move on in life? Can just being with someone be enough? All philosophical questions aside, the movie was entertaining. I'd recommend it.

A hiking I will go

I've decided to start hiking more. Today marked my first adventure. I bought a hiking book I've been interested in for a while and started small. Today's hike was a trek to Monrovia Canyon Falls. It's a beautiful hike through the canyon with overhanging trees and a gentle stream. I plan on increasing my Southern California hiking repertoire every other weekend or so. If you're interested in joining in... let me know. It feels good to know that while I live in a busy, traffic filled, smoggy world... I can still enjoy the natural world God created.

In process

So I realize I haven't posted anything in forever, but I guess I've just been thinking a lot... and for me extra thinking requires extra time to consciously unthink... and that means less time to sit at my computer and post about what I'm trying to unthink. Basically this is just an excuse post. I was paying bills online and I started to feel blogger guilt (a wonderful disorder brought on by the advent of this bloggersphere phenomena). Nothing profound to report... only that I'm still alive... just really lazy.

Bureau"crazy"

I have worked with the county of LA for a couple years now. There's always a new policy regarding how to fill out paperwork. I wasn't surprised when we found out we had to have a published list of abbreviations before they can be used. I didn't flinch when I realized I would have to take out all the pushpins from my office because they could be used as weapons. I wasn't even shocked when I found out the appropriate way to correct an error. For the past two years I have gotten used to this procedure:

1. Make an error of any sort (wrong number, wrong spelling, incorrect placement of a word even)
2. Make a single line through whatever needs to be fixed (no scribbling out or trying to turn that C into a B)
3. Write in the correction as well as "error" and the date.

Seems long and tedious but that's the way we roll apparently. Until last Monday when a new procedure was implemented:

Steps 1 and 2 remain the same, but here's where it gets silly.
3. Write in the correction, but instead of "error" we have to write "mistaken entry" as well as the date and our first initial and last name.

Now it basically takes as much time to correct a mistake as it does to fill the entire form out again. This might not seems like a huge inconvenience but you'd be surprised how often I end up writing 2007 or how often someone recalls a phone number incorrectly. Oh the joys of paperwork! I just love government imposed policies!

The Death of Forgiveness

. What ever happened to forgiveness? These days, if someone says "I'm sorry" the automatic response is "that's okay" or "don't worry about it." Instead of forgiveness, all we give out is reassurances that nothing really bothers us. This isn't true. When someone hurts us or does something wrong, we're hurt. At least I know that I am. I get mad, but instead of living my emotions, I too quickly dispel my actual experience for a socially acceptable cliche that's not really true.

. Can you remember the last time that someone said the words "I forgive you"? I can. I was almost offended. At first I thought, "How dare you act like you're better than I am." However, all this person did was give me what I was asking for... forgiveness. That phrase is supposed to represent an internal experience. Granted, we don't always feel like we want to forgive someone... but if we don't feel forgiving at that moment, then saying "don't worry about it" is pretty much a lie too.

Welcome

I just wanted to send out a quick hello and welcome to any new readers that may stumble upon my humble blog this week (or who are forced to read it by a pushy small group host). I hope my odd thoughts are to your liking.

A little office tip

Never underestimate the power of a wind-up toy to brighten your day. I came into my office fairly grumpy and frustrated this afternoon. My supervisor, in an attempt to get rid of the very unpopular grumpy version of me, wound up a little frog toy and let it dance around on the desk. Despite my best efforts, I smiled and felt a little bit better about my bad day. Nothing really changed... but that darn frog dispelled a little bit of the dark cloud that was living above my head.

Five Years

Today marks the fifth anniversery of my dad's death. It's been five years since I've heard his voice, eaten his crazy cooking, or teased his silliness. When I really think about it, I feel like a part of myself is missing. Like I make less sense without him in the world. But I guess that's how you always feel when you lose someone you love. A part of you dies with them... but in turn a part of them lives on in you.

He wasn't a perfect man or the greatest father... but he was good. He was a good man who provided for his family despite difficulties. He was a good man who taught his kids what it meant to follow God and pursue your passions. But mostly, he was a good man who made his daughter feel special and important and loved.

I love you dad.