In a funk

How much easier would life be if we were born with an instruction manual? If God already knows the plans that He has for me and He knows how it all turns out... why can't He make it more clear to me? I know all the "listen closer" "ask and you will receive" stuff, but today I'm just wanting answers! I'd like to hear a knock at my door, and open it to see God waiting to tell me what the next step should be in my life. I feel like I'm never sure exactly and so I carefully wade into it all unsure of how much to invest. Why can't it all be more clear? The answer always seems to be "step out in faith" but how do I know that I'm where God wants me to step. I would be so much more willing to jump into things with both feet if only I knew it was the right pool.

God is clearly with me in the difficult times. He has proved that many times. It's in the blah days that my frustration keeps me from calling out for help. Then I just sit around, like now, in a grumpy funk... fighting against the only thing that will make it better. May this whining blog posting keep me motivated to not let anything, even myself, get in the way of what God has planned.

wow

It's been a really long time since I last blogged! It's too late for me to say anything anything insightful or humorous, but I just wanted to say that I'm still alive!

Work Insights

I had a surprising moment of insight at work tonight (and I'm supposed to be creating the insight!). I was working on a puzzle with a client and we were talking about various things. I commented on how she stays to calm when working on a puzzle and I tend to get more frustrated. I was hoping that she would be able to extrapolate from this situation to other areas of her life. Her answer, while straight forward and true, caught me a bit off guard as really true for my own life:

"I guess I just think that if I don't figure out where the piece goes now, I will eventually"

Eventually is such a hard concept to accept sometimes.

Processing

You brought me out of the darkness and into the light
But I closed my eyes once again

I close my eyes to light to feel something familiar
I close my eyes to the light to feel I'm in control
I close my eyes to the light but I can't determine
Why I can't let freedom take hold...

Car Musings: part I

I complain a lot.

Partly because complaining is the way I vent frustrations: if I say it outwardly then it doesn't all stay inside to fester. But I think I complain partly because I'm an ungrateful being at times. If I was being severely persecuted for my beliefs, or if I was stricken with poverty, or if I was homeless maybe then I would appreciate what I did have. Why does it take that much to be thankful? I'm blessed to have a relationship with the creator of the entire universe. I have a chance to be loved, forgiven, and saved... yet I still find plenty of time to complain when my job is a little stressful or someone doesn't return an e-mail. Who does that?!? Salvation is such an amazing gift it shouldn't matter what my circumstances are... that should be enough... that should be more than enough. But it doesn't always feel like it... I don't let it. I sit around and grumble about my poor little life. It's like getting the perfect gift for Christmas and critiquing the wrapping paper or how the ornaments are arranged on the tree. In my good moments I remember that my thankfulness for my relationship with Christ should infect every single moment of my day... I just wish those good moments were as common as all the others.

I'm not sure the purpose of this musing. I guess it's just an outward reminder to myself about how thankful I know I should be for having such an amazing life. And also a reminder that I need to be even more thankful when my life doesn't seem so amazing... or it could just be the fact that I drove 3.5 hours today and my mind wanders a lot.

Narcissism

I was thinking the other day about blogs and social networking sites. They make our lives so transparent to everyone... but what makes us think other people care about every detail of what we think or say? Am I that full of myself that I think everyone cares when "... is tired after a long day." It's like we're breeding people for narcissism. At least I got to experience a chunk of my life without these things. Kids growing up right now think nothing of sharing person details to anyone who will listen. Will this stop my narcissism as I subject those around me to mindless details? Probably not, but it makes you think huh?

Timing

Timing... it's a strange thing. By definition timing is "the selecting of the best time or speed for doing something in order to achieve the desired or maximum result." As a Christian, I believe that God has a timing for my life. But, like in many ways, I doubt Him constantly. It feels like the right time for something and nothing happens. Then something great comes along and the timing feels completely wrong. Blah. I suppose the problem is probably that I'm trying to squeeze God's perfect timing into my own. I want to believe that what I'm forcing is His will and will be blessed by Him. But by not trusting Him regarding the timing of things, I know that it's not going to be His timing.

I've never been a patient person. When I was born, the nurse went into the hall to call the doctor to let him know my mom was ready to deliver and she came back in time to "catch me" as the story goes. I don't want to wait for things. I logically understand that God has a plan for my life and he has a timing. I just don't always like it. If I could choose a magical or super power my second choice would be to make things happen when I want them (after the ability to fly of course... because come on... that would be awesome). How do I pray for the patience to trust God's timing? Isn't my stated problem the lack of desire to wait for something to happen? The act of trying to trust His timing, requires that I trust His timing. He's a tricky, tricky God isn't he?

I guess that now I'm just rambling to let some of my many thoughts out of my head before I go back to work and fill it up again. It's hard to be introspective and ruminative and aware. It makes me feel sleepy. Well... if you've had the patience to finish this ramblily-ramble, thanks... I appreciate someone listening to me for a change.